Tổ kiến

For I am not at the right state of mind

2010-01-02T12:40:00.004+08:00

My dog is lost. I do not know what happened to him. I woke up in the morning and could not find him. Then dad came back and said he might be dognapped. I did not believe him, I went out to find my dog. I looked at the places he could possibly be. Yet, there was no sight of him.

My sis did not say anything. But I knew for sure, she felt sad.

I cannot help but think about what they may do to our dog. They must cut his throat first. They would have skinned him later. They then chop him into parts. From those parts, they either store in the fridge or cook into various dishes. All the thoughts poison me. I do not feel like eating anything anymore. Goddammit!

When the oldest dog who was loved by all of us died, dad cried. She loved him the most in this family. Then, her son also was killed.

I held the new pup in my hands and wonder what can happen to him. I have been seeing him growing up, from a tiny creature to the fat pup he is today. Why can they ever do it - eating something that is fed with not only foods but love? Don't they feel pained savouring the bones of the creature that is moaned by some? Don't they have a heart apart from the stomach?

Like that, my dog is lost. He does not even have a tomb. Goddammit!

Far far away

2009-12-30T23:54:00.003+08:00

Dined out with Mum and some people from an Entertaining Org. The eldest among them is only 30. They are all male. They know how to joke. We had some good jokes over there. The guy who is older than me 2 years appeared to be an interesting one. The way he talks is rough and so funny that nobody can really resist from laughing and admiring his charm.

Just not my type.

Will never be.

Wonder what I am made of.

Uyên đang xem phim. Trên bộ phim có cái gì đó. Nó hỏi, "Tại sao lại tức giận vậy khi không còn yêu nữa?" Tôi nói ngay, "Ích kỷ."

Somebody sends me a text. Wonder who. I've just changed my number. Not many people know this one. I'm running

away

from what?

I don't know...

Tại sao?

I need a stronger cause. But, for what?

Cuộc sống của em không cần sự tồn tại của tôi. Rồi thời gian sẽ minh chứng điều đó thôi...

I have no where else to go

2009-12-14T23:27:00.004+08:00

so I come here

S.M hasn't replied my email yet.
And I have tried to ignore you but I just can't. I know what you are trying to do now, and I really think that you should do it. Nonetheless, a part of my human self is hurt, damn badly, upon the bitter truth.

Right now, I feel so weak and useless. For then, I hope that I can be stronger. Yet, it seems to impossible. It just seems.

Và khi tôi muốn khóc. Tôi không khóc được vì nước mắt đã dán niêm phong. For now.
Nước mắt không ra ngoài, chúng chảy ngược vào tim. Chúng bén như những ngọn lao. Are you hurt? I know you are. I cannot feel my own pains, why do your illusive pains appear so real to me? Why?

I should not think of you any longer. BUT I KNOW YOU ARE HURTING YOURSELF!
How can I ignore it? BUT I CANNOT DO EVEN A THING FOR YOU!
So, knowing for what, I really really wish to be STUPID.

And it's not even peaceful, my pain.
You have successfully humanised me, don't you feel happy?
I want to hold you and slap you at the same time.
Damn thee.

Damn me.

The worst damn thing

2009-08-25T19:57:00.005+08:00

illusion

as you to me

illusion

as me to you

.

nothing is clear
everything is just so illusive
and I cannot see you closely and clearly and dearly any longer
and you
an illusion

.

you
aint real

and here I am
telling an unknown story which nobody seems to understand
which askes nobody for sympathising
which, in its dying pride, wishing for a happily ever after ending
which
aint possible

.

I wait for time to come
Erase me from your life
And here I am
alone
bearing in hell
a tinge of painful peace
a tinge of peaceful pain
of thy memories

Of those whom you love
Of those who love you
And who am I?
Who am I, who not know of love?
Who am I, who cannot be there for thee?
Who am I, whom to thee is only the fading voices and losing holds?

.

The place I stay
The path I take
The life I choose

all

shall not know thee

and I shall live

like I have always been

alone

bearing in hell

a tinge of painful peace

a tinge of peaceful pain

of thy memories

Let it go

2009-08-23T11:51:00.003+08:00

So,
I did not get on my nerve last night.
I did not get crossed.
I did not shout at you, condemn you for all my blues.

.

I asked you about Orpheus no Mado
The damn dark depressing shoujou
the haunting one
the one which I read twice, or thrice, I can't remember.

Yet
I have forgotten
until yesterday

The window of sorrow and darkness

of love and lust

of crimes and tolls

of last and lost

So long ago, the fading unrecognisable piece of memory, dying one...

I don't want to recall it at all

So,
Let it go...

I let you go off
So
Do not ever come back again
So
I let you go

Lullaby for a stormy night

2009-08-18T00:37:00.002+08:00

It is windy tonight and I'm supposed to die on my Bio notes. Yet, I think again, that I may not want to die that early and life still has much enjoyment for me to explore, hahahah.

.

Lullaby for a stormy night

.

And I want to tell you badly, that you hurt me a lot.

a lot

so much to the extreme that I reckon myself dying inside, bit by bit, second by second. The pain is angrily furious, yet slowly enough to weaken me into a body of nothing but wretched sorrow. Damn thee! O man, damn thee!

To hell with thee!

.

And why do I need to forgive you?

Why do I still forgive it all?

.

A white bunny holding on a black umbrella, where can you go amidst this raging rain?

.

Then, somehow, I finally understand, that I should never think of you again. All that I have been working for, dying for, tearing for, all of it, all of you, is nothing.

I finally understand that I'm nobody but a silly fool. The silliest fool.

.

So I give away my prayer, I give thee a four-leafed clover.

Do you know,
do you see the hopeful green,
are you happy?

The beast

2009-08-07T23:40:00.002+08:00

A mere human, was not afraid of The Beast

He reached out his hand to The Beast, and spoke, "Beast, you are a beautiful creature. I do not want to lose you."

The feeling of being touched gently, being told that it was beautiful, and being told that the human did not want to lose it... All of that was a finst for The Beast, he bowed to the human...

.

La Belle et La Bêtê...

The first and as well the last.

Good-by July

2009-07-26T09:01:00.003+08:00

While I am typing all those line, the cat is sleeping, Er. is doing her EoM, B2 and Linh and Ca. - they all - are eating breakfast. The sun is slowly rising, after I have complained to Mel. that the morning appeared to be so gloomy.

Dont feel like doing anything. But there is GP assignment to be handed in by tomorrow. Maybe I just fall sick, I'm not very fine right now anyway.

Cannot believe that it has come so near to the end of July. KL was talking something very depressing yesterday. She has not onlined again since then. Hope that she is fine. Hope that she will not die that soon. July. Just a month ago, I was still at home. Every now and then could easily hoop onto my bike and ride around town. Every now and then...

[one should feel guilty for being so nostagic?]

.

Went out with Zj on Friday. She tighted her hair up, like she usually did during all those years in Xinmin. So, I said, "I like you better with your hair like this." Then, she smiled. And I do like her better when she smiles. Cười.

We had sushi and Umeshu. They go together very nicely. Zj talked about her problems, as usual. Come to think about it, it never goes like, "I talk about my probs." Most of the time, the others will say first. And they usually keep going on, without bothering about me. However, apart from problems at work, which would I be more eager to share? Not that I am reluctant to tell my stories. I find it hard then, to touch the healing wound again, to stir the seemingly sleeping memories, again... So, I talked to Zj. And we went to buy perfume for her. It was a tiring journey, yet enjoyable. A Lancôme was bought, lovable smell. Mum always love it. I miss her, a lot.

A lot.

.

Nocturnal Rain

2009-07-11T23:48:00.003+08:00

It rained once in the morning, hard and cold. The afternoon heat created another conventional rain in the late evening. My shoes got wet. My hair got wet as well.

Walking in the rain... actually feels good. Smile.

.

The PW investigation turned out not to be a very successful one but remarkable - for climbing over the fence, getting caught by the beyond-words security guard and being teased by Moses - at least in my own opinion then. Not so sure about the rest.

.

I shall bring Nargis in tonight. It has been getting colder and colder outside.
Jo has not come back since Friday. Hope that she enjoys herself, and of course, you too, Jane.

Feel like writing in Vietnamese again. English does no good but makes my thoughts become more abstract. Sigh.

.

Tired. Talked harsh to Mom, now is in great guilty.
Vexed by some stupid people whom I really wanna kick their asses.

.

Demand no more
Suffer still
Sh*t!

A post-examed saturday

2009-07-04T12:08:00.004+08:00

Doing GP assignment right now, and allowing myself to be distracted. Laugh.
All the argumenttative articles seem so dry and uncapable of being interesting even a bit [and i think i ought to get rid of this style of writing in order to put a small hope for my 'B' in GP. sucks man!]

I miss Geogre Orwell all the while chewing all those dull writing. However, it is not me of two years ago now. Nowadays, I do not really have time to go after such craze [ever again?] And so, I put Orwell aside, try to forget Kafka and hide Hardy at the bottom of my heart. All the men I love like hell, gosh!

Come back to GP assignment, am on Pakistan's flawed media...

Rain, rain, rain

2009-06-29T19:56:00.001+08:00

Hôm nay tự dưng rảnh ngồi làm mấy cái này.
Chỉ là một cái tổ kiến ngấm quá nhiều nước mưa.